WONDERFULLY AND FEARFULLY / in the midst of its messiness
oh how times have changed.
for most of my life, celebration was mostly reserved for a big project completed, achieving a goal, on a good year maybe my birthday - or making it to the finish line of a race.
As I'm writing - I realized that all of the above are based on an outcome / a result / an achievement - the perfect arrival. It's like that good old ultimatum when you're little : 'If you don't finish your food - no dessert for you dear.'
I realized that subconsciousIy I have been trained as I grew up to have ‘perfect achieved end results’ as the requirement for celebrating things. When I got home from boarding school on the weekend - proudly putting my 94% red encircled algebra test on the kitchen counter - the response was far from the one I started idealizing about on the bus ride home.
The exclamation was replaced with the question : So what happend to the other 6%?
However, my journey with healing my hormonal balance have slowly but surely built a new way of thinking about celebration.
At the beginning of the year I embarked on this exploration and what I thought was just going to be a few changes here and there, are slowly turning into a discovery of the beautiful intricacies of my female body and how my hormones and their roles are the connecting dots I have been searching for all along.
With irregular menstruation / amenorrhea there is no such thing as planning your life around your flow - I can't turn down an event because I know I will most probably be curled in pain that day or not schedule a meeting because I know I will most likely be sleep-deprived from being up all night surfing through waves of intense cramps. So you just have to ‘go with your flow’ and embrace it when it does come.
Having been working hard on balancing my cycle ( more on that soon ) and hoping to see more off a pattern by now, I was expecting my flow to start last week ‘sometime’.
It never showed up and by Friday I was sad and disappointed that this will be my first skip of a cycle since I have consciously started looking after my hormones. I failed. Or did I?
This morning at 3am - a week later, I woke up by those familiar waves and I knew instantly - it is here.
Yes it was another long, sleep-deprived and painful night - but as I was rolling around all I could think about is 'popping champagne for breakfast' in celebration of how faithfully my body is working with me in its own time.
It struck me this morning when I woke up that my heart feel like a flower blooming with thankfulness and that translates to a significant cahnge for me : I have learned to celebrate my cycle 'in process' of healing. Not as the final result or for its perfect timing and perfect flow - but rather for its uniqueness and that it is working wonderfully and fearfully in the midst of its messiness.
Never have I thought that I would be celebrating my body in a way such as this. Never have I thought one can experience the joy of a 'team effort' such as one like this. A human + body team effort. A celebration in itself.
Gone are the days of celebrating a toned body, that 10k run or reaching my Vitality active rewards goal. I believe there is more to life than just being healthy on the outside - and I choose to celebrate that.
Not as the perfect end result, but the imperfect messy-in-the-midst-of-the-process result.
Ps. If you read this and think I sound like an alien - I just want to put it out there that I know how you feel and I also sometimes think I sound like an alien ( definition : relating to or denoting beings supposedly from other worlds ). The thing is - I am honestly discovering a world of wellness that I never new or could dream of, and instead of it feeling alienated, my body is actually resonating with it more and more every day. I'll keep sharing, maybe you find your habitat here too.